a little bit of love.

needed a place to put my thoughts this morning. this place felt right.

lots has been going on lately, which is why i haven’t been posting much. i’m trying really, REALLY hard to get my life in order, and i’m finding it to be a lot more challenging than i had expected. i have a lot more to work on than i thought. its amazing what can happen when you get space from chaos and get to sit with yourself. 

ive been doing a lot of reflecting on the person that i am now and the person that i want to be. though i know that i should be okay with who i am right now, i know that there is always room for improvement. i’m starting to see habits and patterns that i just want to break.

i see the way that i dwell on the past and how much those events have affected the person that i am and the way that i react to things. i see the way that i worry. the way that i worry about what other people think. some of my self conciousness has ceased, thank God, but some is still there. i catch myself in a judgement zone for none other than me so often. 

and onto the relationship status. still single. starting to feel very single. jon was busy with mid-terms these past few weeks so i didnt see him or talk to him during that time. when i saw him last night, things were okay. i’m not sure where this is going and i feel like i have this extreme fear of losing him as a friend if things don’t work out. not to say that things wont because who knows, they might. but i feel like i can never be sure because of my freakin past and the way that guys have just kind of dumped me to the side of the road. i have this anxiety that everything’s just going to fall apart tragically. but i know that he’s not the person to go at things like that. and since we have the same group of friends, its even less likely. 

are these doubts normal? i feel like i shouldn’t be doubting things if everything’s going to work out. at least that’s what everyone seems to say. 

head full of doubt. 

the anxiety within me right now is off the chain. i need to go take a walk.