i have so much on my mind tonight. and lately in general. ever since this Seva Challenge has been over, I’ve had a lot of time to just sit and think and I feel like it’s almost turning dangerous. is that possible? if anything, i know it’s not good. my thoughts are all over the place and i cant find my real journal tonight, so i’m spilling it here.
first. i got this new apartment. its huge. and amazing. and a great space for me to have the peace and quiet that i’ve needed for so long. the problem? it’s two bedrooms. and i came on to this lease with a second roommate, a friend from high school. wanna know the fun part? she got a boyfriend about a week after we moved in. she is always over at his place. this apartment is so unfurnished for having lived here for almost three weeks. between her working and staying with this guy, we have no time to discuss what we’re doing with the place. so i guess i’ll go at it on my own?
having my own space and working on my own time has also made me realize just how lonely i am, and how much i depend on my friends and my family. it is so hard for me to sit in this quiet for hours. when i turn on music, it still feels empty. this is hard to get used to.
next area of ventage: certain friends in my life. there are a few out there right now who are making me feel like i need to continuously bite my tongue. either i continue to piss them off or disappoint them by not saying or doing the ‘right’ things. im so tired of taking on other peoples shit. i know im feeling this because its their stuff being projected onto me (this all has a reasoning behind it that i wont go into at the moment). im tired of all of this dragging me down.
i dont know if its this fact or the loneliness factor that’s caused me to go to bed choked up/in tears the past three days.
these are new feelings. i have to—and i will—work through them.
hard lessons to get through right now. gotta stay grounded. gotta keep breathing. gotta continue to ride the wave.
let go and let God.